I'm here.

I'm happy.

I'm not drunk yet.

ONLY SIX AND A HALF HOURS UNTIL I LEAVE FOR THE AIRPORT. IN TWELVE AND A HALF HOURS I WILL BE IN KEY WEST.

I AM SO EXCITED I'M PRACTICALLY VIBRATING.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!! 

(by the way, this week I got sick and got high. Pretty quiet week otherwise if you don't count that.)

banyangirl1832 is happy.

You're a rosy-cheeked ray of f'ing sunshine 24/7. I bet you smile a lot and little things don't get you down. Must be nice. Fuchsia's definitely your color.

wanna know your lj's moodring color? enter your user name and hit the button. (discussion thread)

Real post sometime tomorrow, I swear.
Really.

So I'm officially in love with the show Weeds. Watch it! 

Hi guys. I've not been posting because I've been busy/lazy this week, and now I'm sick with a cold. I think I'm running a fever, but I'm eating pineapple and Eric thinks I'm wonderful, so there is that. Thinking of making a completely irrational post on TQC about it. Link to follow.

Oh, and I'll get back to real updating once I have the energy back to think in more than monosyllabic words. Love you all, though.

There's something wrong with the fact that I'm too short to break into my own first floor dorm room.

Dear emotions: 

Sex will not make this better. He does not want it.

Sex will not make this better. He does not want it.

Sex will not make this better. He does not want it.

We clear? Okay, good.

No really.

No love,
your logical side

NEED SEX. NEED LOVE. NEED ERIC TO NOT BE SO FUCKING NEEDY. NEED TO BE ALLOWED TO BE NEEDY.

Ok, I'm done.

On a whim, I decided to check out my GMail spam list. The best out of the lot: 

Subj: Britney Spears "Gigantically Relieved" at Hussein's Capture; Shares Passion"--download and enjoy!

I don't even know how you'd make that into porn, but thank you, Internet. You have once again made my night.

Edit: Hold on, I've found a better one. "Paris Hilton Finds God. God Issues Denial." I LOVE IT SO HARD. It's ten times more hilarious when you envision God as Morgan Freeman, as I often do.

So my ears are too badass for nurses to handle, apparently. I went in and the nurse, Iris, got this water gun and ran it through my right ear, which was fine. I didn't feel any pain whatsoever. She went over to my left ear and stuck the gun in, and WOW did it hurt. I didn't say anything about it for a good fifteen seconds, but then I just had to be like, "Oh, that seriously hurts, like serious pain." So she stopped and tried to have a look in my right ear to see how well the irrigation had worked for that ear, but man, I'll be damned if that didn't hurt as well. My ear was apparently really tender from having the gun in it, and didn't take kindly at all to having a plastic thing shoved into it for longer than a second. So iris was like, "Come back tomorrow and we'll have the doctor look at your ears." Back I go tomorrow.

I signed up for therapy again with Lynne this semester today, too. I start next Wednesday. I seriously can't wait. I feel better now having made the appointment than I have for the past week, waiting and seeing.

Eric's totally not happy about me seeing David in a few weeks. I told him about it this morning and his response was, and I quote, "You're either going to cheat on me or you won't, so whatever." Nice job at damning me with faint praise, dear. Seriously. He can be so callous sometimes.

Oh well. He said we'd talk about it more later on, so we'll see what happens. Expect updates throughout the night.

So I'm getting my ears irrigated today. Yes, irrigated. I feel like a bit of crop soil. Hopefully this will make my ear less ouchy, though. Guess this means I won't be doing much playing of the violin today (I have my first lesson at 1:30) since everything doesn't sound quite right. Full medical report to follow, post-irrigation. 

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I just don't know what to do with him anymore. I can't do anything for him. He's stuck in neutral, and worse than that, he can't get out of it, not for a while at least. And I can only watch him, and offer support that, at times, seems so woefully inadequate that I can only mock it. This is one of those times.

God, even if I could lessen the Prednisone's effects by a few days! He stopped taking it on Sunday, he shouldn't still be feeling sick three days later. He's feeling awful, and there. is. nothing. I. can. do.

I hate you, cancer. I hate you for screwing him over, and I hate you for stalling a life that will be fucking amazing once it gets free of you. I hate you for screwing US over, for all the times I'd like to start things with him and can't because he's feeling too sick from your effects. For all the time you've made us lose. For the life we'd have together by now if it weren't for you. For the way you make him feel.

And one day, he'll be free of you. I promise you that. One day, he'll be free.

Cap'n Jack Sparrow, of course. Knowing him, there'd at least be rum on the island. 

I'm all stuffed up because of an allergy attack tonight, and a bit emotional because I'm getting a new laptop tomorrow. I think I shall miss this one, but the new one will be all shiny and faster, and perhaps I shall even name it. This one never had an actual name, i don't think. But I've been through a lot with this computer! It's gone through a lot of firsts. It was the first computer I ever was able to get wireless internet on. It was the first computer I ever had cyber sex on. It was with me throughout all of Eric's cancer drama, providing a convenient, lovely way to talk to him across the miles. It was the first computer that I ever really called my OWN. Yes, I will miss this laptop. *salutes*

But I had my first fiction class today, and it should be fun! I'm excited about it. We don't have any writing assignments yet, but I do have to go by Quail Ridge and get a book that's required for the class.Cat's in it, which should be awesome, although she sort of got on my nerves during the class. It's not any one thing, it's just that she's so exuberant and animated that it's kind of distracting. Note to self: sit at the opposite end of the table next week (it's in this conference room that has just the one table). There's a nice level of earthiness to the older ladies in the class that I think will keep it from getting too "literary" and stuffy if you know what I mean.

I'm getting bubble tea tomorrow, which should be really exciting. And I met hermiones_twin today for dinner, she's awesomesauce and totally my surrogate lil' sis, since her big sis apparently isn't doing much of anything for her.

In general odd news, I watched the entire series of Hopkins (watch it, its like Grey's Anatomy but reality and with more focus on the actual patients than whatever random personal drama the doctors are having) in two days. I am fascinated. And I've developed this crazy ear spasming issue that's been going on for a few years at least, but I never really thought much of it until the past week or two, when it's really revved itself up in terms of frequency. It doesn't hurt or hinder my hearing, but it is a very weird sensation and I'd like to know what's causing it.

Just downed a packet of Gushers and a packet of brownie bites. This late night junk food habit may not be good.

On the other hand, I went to the flea market with Zandra and Jessica today, drove around North Raleigh with them for 45 minutes looking for Cat's apartment, finally found Cat's apartment, hung out and had a few beers and EZMac for supper. Then we went back to campus and I took a shower and proceeded to play around on the Internets from then until....well, now, really, with a break of an hour or so to talk to Eric on the phone. I talked to him this morning about my proposal, and while he didn't say no outright, he didn't say yes either. He's not ready, really, and I just have to accept that. It's so hard though! I want him to say yes and be happy with me for the rest of his life. I want to do what we've been doing for the rest of my life. I can't imagine a relationship that's more fulfilling or wonderful. Yes, the distance sucks, the parental disapproval is awful, the cancer is horrid. But the way he made me laugh tonight, really genuinely laugh, and how in love and just connected and happy with that connection I felt...I know how special and rare that is, and I'll be damned if I give it up without a really, really good reason.

On the other hand, I didn't spend any money today at all, other than giving Zandra gas money for the extra 45 minutes of driving she wasted. I was pleased. It means that I can go buy lots of ice cream and coffee tomorrow at Ben & Jerry's and the Bean! Huzzah!

PS: I'm totally kicking my homework's butt tomorrow.

I just ate an entire sleeve of Oreo's, with whole milk, listened to Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" song, and felt profoundly sorry for myself.

'kay, enough of that.

Seriously, if I could coagulate Prednisone into a person right now, his ass would be grass. I would deck him into the next century. I am livid.

So I went to see Made Of Honor tonight for the Meredith and a Movie event the school puts on every so often. It was adorable, by the way, go see it. Well, it's all about marriage and how people shouldn't let good relationships pass them by. I was of course missing Eric like crazy throughout all of the movie, not least because there was a pukingly cute couple sitting about eight feet away from me. And I'm like, "YOU JUST HAVE TO RUB IT IN DON'T YOU." During the movie, there was a certain part where one of the characters is describing her perfect guy: "He makes me laugh like no one else, I trust him, I know that he'll always love me, no matter what happens, forever..." You get the idea. And of course that reminded me of Eric and how amazingly good our relationship is, and how unusual that is to find in this day and age, and especially how much it would hurt me if he found someone else.

So I had A Plan. I was all set to go back to my dorm, call Eric, and ask him to marry me in five years providing that we weren't dead, in jail, already married, or already married to someone else. So I called him, and he was half asleep and in pain because of, you guessed it, my little buddy Prednisone. I told him about the movie, and just as I was getting ready to segue into asking him, he said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm in a lot of pain right now, and I just want to go to sleep. But I really appreciate you calling, it reminds me how much you care for me." To which I replied, "Of course I care, I love you more than anyone else in the world." Now, I've said that before, with the intention of it being true. But this time, tonight, I meant it with every fiber of my being. I do love him more than anyone else in the world. He drives me crazy sometimes, but he makes me laugh, is someone I can be silly with, is the one person I know I can say anything to. He's handsome as hell, sexy, kind, generous, unexpectedly wonderful in all the smallest ways and measures that really count. And most of all, he's the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. There. I said it. It's out in cyberspace now, which makes it official. I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH THIS MAN.

So damn you, Prednisone. Because I know he would've loved to hear all of that.

This...needs to stop, before I die or something horrible like that. Why do I, on the first day of classes, wake up with my monthly friend? I was crampy during the night and went, "Oh hells no, this cannot be happening, I will just roll over and ignore it." And bam, no sooner had I run to the  bathroom to put on a pad this morning did it decide to make its first appearance on-set.

I also woke myself up last night by talking in my sleep. I think I was talking about Eric, but I'm not entirely sure. I talk in my sleep on very rare occaison, but last night I'm pretty sure I got an entire paragraph out before fully waking up enough to stop myself from talking. Rachel sort of heard me, but she says she didn't really wake up enough to tell what I was talking about.

And my nose is doing that annoyingly stuffed up thing again. Luckily I've already taken a Claritan this morning to hopefully combat it.

French and Victorian Writers today from 12-1 and 1-2. Wish me luck!

In BIG BOLD CAPS:

DO NOT GO ALL SWEENEY TODD ON YOUR VULVA WHEN YOU USE A BRAND-NEW RAZOR. IT STINGS LIKE A MOFO.


This has been a public service announcement.

But it DID give me the closest shave I have ever known....